


The Rules

by TheLittleMuse



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Humour, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-22
Updated: 2013-02-04
Packaged: 2017-11-26 12:25:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/650499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheLittleMuse/pseuds/TheLittleMuse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There are certain bits of paper pinned to the walls of 221B Baker Street that have been added to and amended (by practically everyone) over time, recording the rules of 221B.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

-Sherlock, you need to eat, even on cases. Whatever you say about digestion getting in the way of thinking, so will collapsing from hunger – John 

-Sleep is also occasionally necessary – John 

-Nanny – SH 

-No, just a doctor. And vaguely sane – John 

-As much as I like dogs, NEITHER of you are to bring any animal into the flat again. The poor dog has been taken into a home – Mrs Hudson

-Sorry Mrs H – John

-I still say that it was necessary, but I admit that the mess was unfortunate – SH

-Mrs Hudson, We. Are. Not. A. Couple! In the unlikely event that we should ever become a couple, rest assured, you will be the first to know, but we are not a couple – John and Sherlock

-So sweet – Mrs Hudson

-Food and experiments are to remain separate. Areas in the fridge have been marked. Stick to them – John 

-My experiments need room – SH

-So does my food. And if, for instance, I saw a substance that was clearly decomposing in the ‘food’ section, well, I would just have to throw it out, wouldn’t I? – John

-We need a bigger fridge – SH

-Dare you to ask Mycroft – John

-Child – SH 

-For the so called ‘sensible’ one of the pair of us, gambling away the rent money was hardly sensible – SH 

-Sensible is relative, in that I am sensible compared to you, but you could hardly ever call somebody who lives and joins you on your cases ‘sensible’. Anyway, I had a gambling problem. It reappears very occasionally. It won’t happen again. Anyway, you’re hardly one to talk about addictions – John 

-Understood. And you don’t need to work overtime to make up the money. I have acquired a case and I need you on it – SH 

-Thank you – John 

-Sherlock, don’t steal my laptop – John 

-Or my phone – John 

-I mean it – John 

-Don’t steal my things or I’ll mess up your bloody sock index – John 

-Honestly, how can a man as messy as you have a sock index? – John 

-Sherlock, don’t scare away my girlfriends – John 

-Or my boyfriends – John 

-I thought you weren’t gay. And please don’t hit me – SH 

-I’m not. Technically. I’m bisexual. Though mainly attracted to women, there are a few guys I like. There, something you didn’t know – John 

-Interesting – SH 

-Sherlock, ‘Bored’ is not a valid excuse to shoot the walls – John 

-Well neither is ‘I’m getting rusty’ and ‘I just need target practice’ – SH 

-I suppose so … but where else am I supposed to go? – John 

-I do happen to know of several firing ranges which would be more than adequate for your needs, Doctor Watson – Mycroft Holmes 

-Yes but my therapist’s diagnosis of PTSD means I’m banned from all of them – John 

…

-Thank you, Mycroft – John 

-My pleasure. We wouldn’t want the flat falling down, now would we? – Mycroft Holmes

-Sherlock, we survive on tea and takeaways. Didn’t it cross that oh so impressive brain of yours that doing experiments in the kettle to the extent that the kettle broke, I might get just a little annoyed? I expect that kettle to be replaced ASAP, and if you ever break the kettle again, bones will be broken, is that understood, Sherlock? Tea is very important to me – John 

-There is a new kettle in the kitchen – SH 

-Sherlock, how bored do you have to be to race worms? Which, by the way, is now banned – John 

-And Mrs H did say animals were banned. I’m sure she would count worms as animals – John 

-If we are in the process of making rules, Sherlock please don’t make us look like fools at the Press Conferences. If anything, if I’m made to look like a fool, I won’t get given the interesting cases – Greg Lestrade

-I am only enduring your so called ‘cultural necessities’ when I have done something absolutely terrible to atone for, understood? – SH 

-How is James Bond a cultural necessity? – SH 

-I fear my brain has temporarily shut down – SH 

-Which is why they call it mindless fun. Relax for once – John 

-You have never taken in a single iota of information I have told you about my brain have you? – SH 

-I did. And I have also noticed that you choose to do simple tasks for your brain when you need to relax, such as watching daytime TV. Hence, James Bond – John 

-Should an armed assassin etc break into the flat (which they seem to do with alarming regularity) you are to use the absolute minimal force required. No throwing them out the window, sword fighting them, breaking as many bones as you can find and giving them as many creating injuries as you can, it leads to a hell of a lot of paper work. This goes for both of you – Greg Lestrade

-It’s instinct! Army training – John 

-Well do your damn best to suppress it or I’m confiscating that cane of yours. How did you get that sword in it without the cane looking any different anyway? – Greg Lestrade

-A lot of time and effort and help from the bored resident genius – John 

-When you wish to call the police you are to call the police, not fire guns into the air – Greg Lestrade 

-But they come faster when you fire a gun – SH

-They also have a tendency to arrest you – Greg Lestrade

-Sherlock, if you have to play the violin at night you are to play music only, quiet, peaceful music preferably. No tuneless screeching – John and Mrs Hudson (yes I can hear it too, you know)

-If somebody offers money for a case, you are to take it. Even if it is boring. If it helps think about the fact that at least it will be over quickly. We have many, many bills to pay, and Mrs Hudson does need that rent money, no matter how much she wavers it for us – John 

-Spoilsport – SH 

-Get Mycroft to pay you lots for a case. He usually has interesting cases and then you can ignore the boring cases for a while. And ignore Mycroft – John 

-If I must – SH 

-You must – John 

-Ummmmmm, if you’re going to take body parts to do whatever on, could you ask first? Paper work, you know – Molly 

-How did you get in? – SH 

-I let her in. Sweet girl – Mrs Hudson

-Please don’t break into any more military bases. I’d hate to have to clear your names in a court martial – Mycroft Holmes

-It was for a case, and might I remind you of the result? What one of your respected scientists was doing? – SH 

-Please don’t break into any more military bases without permission – Mycroft Holmes

-So long as you always provide permission, brother dear – SH 

-Listen, I know he’s annoying, but you’re not allowed to terrify Anderson now that you’ve got a gun licence, John (I know everyone knew you were only joking and the safety was on, but still) – Greg Lestrade

-Neither are you, Sherlock – Greg Lestrade

-YOU NICKED MY GUN? – John

-I didn’t think you’d mind – SH 

-You are never, ever, ever to take my gun from me again – John

-Although I will admit that placing a betting pool on whether you two were a couple or not was probably wrong of us, what you two did in retaliation frightened a lot of people and was probably against the law. A few people have had to go on extended sick leave to recover, so can we please just get rid of the betting pool and forget about the whole thing? – Greg Lestrade 

-Weaklings. But we shall acquiesce to your request – SH

-Stop stealing ID cards – Mycroft Holmes and Greg Lestrade

-Make me – SH 

-Is that a challenge? – Mycroft Holmes

-New rule – if the Holmes Brothers are going to argue, and therefore engage in a Holmesian war, please do so whilst I’m out – John 

-Very well – The Holmes Brothers

-And don’t destroy the flat, or anywhere else I might be, or that might affect me – John 

-Once again, spoilsport – SH 

-Think of it as a challenge – John 

-John, I’ve accepted you hiding my cigarettes, but for God’s sake, where are my nicotine patches? – SH

-Honestly, no idea. Maybe Mycroft took them. You are currently engaged in a war, after all – John 

-Hacking into the Secret Service’s computer system is breaking the rules. Don’t do it again – Mycroft Holmes 

-As is breaking into my office – Mycroft Holmes

-It was justified. I was recovering my nicotine patches – SH 

-If you keep reducing the delivery men and women to tears none of the takeaway places will deliver to us any more – John 

-You answer the door then – SH

-John, look after Mrs Hudson – SH 

-Mrs Hudson doesn’t need me to look after her. She could take on all of England and win. What’s up with you? – John 

-Maybe I should ask Mrs Hudson to look after you then – SH 

-Sherlock? – John 

-Oh

…

… 

…

-Sherlock, you weren’t allowed to die – John 

-You weren’t allowed to leave me on my own either – John 

…

… 

-You’re not allowed to pretend to die either – John 

-You know why I did it – SH 

-I know. But when I thought you had actually killed yourself it hurt so much you simply cannot imagine. I spent every day thinking I could have saved you somehow. I tortured myself remembering. So next time, and you use every ounce of that considerable brain of yours making sure there isn’t a next time, all right? Next time you let me know somehow. I deserve to know – John 

-I know. And I will – Sherlock


	2. Chapter 2

-I really should disprove of you terrifying most of Scotland Yard by just showing up and solving the Boomerang Case whilst you were supposed to be dead, but their reactions were so funny. Especially, of course, Donovan and Anderson – John 

-You’re going to me when you’re questioning you’re moral code? – Sherlock 

-Good point – John 

-Agreeing with John here. Should be reprimanding you (not that you ever listened. You only ever listened when John told you off) but can’t. And thanks for, you know, the whole sacrificing yourself but not really thing. And I’ve got my old job back with apologies and the Chief Superintendant has been made to look a fool and been demoted quite a way, so thanks – Lestrade

-I think Mycroft may have had something to do with demoting the Chief Super: he made sure I wasn’t charged when I shattered his nose, especially after running off whilst handcuffed to Sherlock – John 

-You’re deductive skills are improving, John – Mycroft Holmes

-Mycroft, I know you’re a genius but can you try not to patronise me, and when you invade the flat, can you at least let me know that you’re invading the flat, otherwise I shall be forced to conclude that you are a vampire – John 

-Why will you be forced to conclude that I am a vampire? – Mycroft Holmes

-Flitting in out when least expected, moving about unseen. And then there’s your general demeanor. It doesn’t help – John 

-I would remind you of all the times of which I have partook in activities which vampire lore states would destroy a true vampire, but I doubt that is the point of this debate – Mycroft Holmes

-Ignore him John. Mycroft is a vampire – SH 

-If this is going to descend into another Holmesian war, I’m going to escape for a while. Want to go to the pub, Greg? – John 

-That’d be great. Drinks on me, I just got a pay rise – Greg 

…

-We really should watch Pirates of the Caribbean next movie night – John 

…

-For the 53rd time, you cannot kill Mycroft. No matter what he may have revealed – John 

-And you enjoyed the film. Admit it, or I’ll tell everyone about a certain ambition you had as a child – John 

-And everyone thinks you’re the nice one. OK, I’ll admit, I enjoyed the film. It was mindless, predictable and the love story was frankly lifeless and sappy, but I enjoyed it – SH 

-As I said before, everything is relative: I’m nice relative to you – John 

-Sherlock, don’t steal my socks – John 

-Experiment – SH 

-Boys, remove the squid from my kitchen – Mrs Hudson

-Let’s have dinner – IA 

-You’re dead. Stay dead – John 

-Indeed – Mycroft Holmes 

-Oops – IA 

-Sherlock. A word – Mycroft

-About what? – SH 

-Oh God, not again – John 

-Playing dumb doesn’t suit you, little brother, but then again, the whole business with the Adler woman was spectacularly idiotic – Mycroft 

-If anybody needs me, I’ll be in Burma. Or New Zealand – John 

-Stop being overdramatic John – SH 

-Have you two finished fighting like particularly annoying five year olds? – John

-We have reached an agreement – Mycroft Holmes

-He means I’ve got to do what he says for a while because he’s too incompetent to do it himself – SH 

-Are you going to do anything about this squid? – Mrs Hudson

-Sorry Mrs H – Sherlock and John

-John don’t steal my coat – SH 

-I could handle you stealing my socks, but then you stole my jumpers. That meant war, Sherlock – John 

-John, you know changing the password on your laptop is pointless – SH 

-I take it you haven’t figured it out yet then? – John

…

-John … this must be against the rules – SH 

-Hah! Have I finally beaten the great Sherlock Holmes? – John 

…

-What is it, or I’ll take away all jumpers – SH 

-Give me back the nicotine patches – SH 

-Don’t threaten the jumpers – John 

…

-‘Password’ … that is … genius and devious in it’s simplicity. I commend you. It took me an embarrassingly long time – Sherlock 

-Thank you. I thought because ‘Password’ is the obvious password that nobody uses, it was the one that you would not suspect, at least not for quite some time – John 

-An ingenious theory, and quite correct. Tell Molly I need a female kidney for a case, I need to talk to Angelo and Lestrade – SH 

-Sherlock, the new Chief Superintendant wants to let you know that texting the police whilst they are working is banned – Greg 

-Tell him I’ll text who I like. How else am I supposed to let you know where you’ve gone wrong and who the killer is? – SH 

-I was afraid of that – Greg 

-Sherlock, just go with it. He’ll calm down once he’s thrown his weight around a bit and convinced himself he’s boss. The new sergeants usually did that – John 

-You better be right, John – SH 

-Thanks John - Greg

-Whoever added hallucinogens to the coffee machine (and I know most people would automatically assume it was Sherlock, but I know you John Watson, and I know you have a mischievous streak the size of Wales) is never, ever to do it again, or anything similar, understand? – Greg Lestrade

-Understood. And for your information, it was John’s idea. Sherlock merely implemented it – John and Sherlock

-Sherlock, remove the sea mine from the kitchen – John 

-Don’t worry – it’s deactivated – Sherlock 

-Now that’s just asking it to blow – John 

…

-John, we were supposed to be getting married yesterday. Don’t worry, I know why you forgot – Mary 

-Ah. Well, I suppose this means we are no longer a couple? – John 

-Correct – Mary 

-Well, I understand. It was the most unforgivable thing for me to do. Please accept my most sincere apologies, I never meant to hurt you and I do love you. Of course, if there is anything I can do … I will miss you, you would have been the greatest person to spend my life with – John 

-No, John. The second greatest. But yes, we can part on friendly terms – Mary 

…

-Well. Forgetting my own wedding because you came back to life. Now people won’t even bother talking – John 

-You can thank me later. You were most incompatible - Sherlock

-And you're the expert on emotions? - John

-Chemistry - Sherlock

-Will you two just get married already - Greg

-It would be logical. We already live together, and it would make various legal matters much easier - Sherlock

-I'm dead. I'm very, very dead. Is their a word for someone you want to live with, but never, ever want to have sex with in any sort of way? - John

-Bromance - Greg

-The legal matters are sorted. My congratulations to the newly married couple - Mycroft Holmes 

-I didn't even bloody say yes. You better not have changed my name - John

-Do not worry Doctor Watson, this will barely affect your life at all. As my little brother pointed out, it is merely for legal matters - Mycroft Holmes

-If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. Pub? - Greg

-I wanna go back to Afghanistan. And yes to pub. I need a drink. Or twenty. Thousand - John


End file.
